Open Letter to Ms Suzanne Duke

Esteemed Ms. Duke [Resident Dean of Crimson Yard],

Unfortunately, I write to you with a significant problem. There exists some tension between [Dusty] (Class of 2011) and the other denizens of [censored], myself, Bollo, and Benny Lava. [Dusty] has questionable hygiene habits; he has defecated on multiple pieces of furniture within the room, and we suspect he also defected in the basement in the early months of school. I apologize for being blunt, but I feel like this is a serious issue and there is no way of skirting around it.

Admittedly, we have not actually witnessed [Dusty] defecating on the furniture, but all evidence points towards him as the perpetrator.

We shit you not. Please advise with all due haste; the room is beginning to smell very bad.

Thank you for your understanding,

[FT], Class of 2011